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Couch = 1. Kai = 0. Can I hire someone just 2 pull me from bed 2 car?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
An Ode To BBQ Sauce
An Ode To BBQ Sauce ~ by Kai Zander
Oh Barbecue!
Oh Barbecue!
It is quite impossible
to live without you
I do not like salt
I can live without pepper
All I need is you
To make things taste better!
Diets don't like you
because of your sugar and carbs
but I really don't care
how bad for me you are
I've cut out the bread
and pasta and wheat
but life without you
is an impossible feat
If the "real world" doesn't have you
I'll live happily in the Matrix
Sorry Neo! Sorry Morpheus!
I'm an addict who needs A fix! (enunciate the "A" so it rhymes)
And sorry your daughter is such a skank, Morpheus. But I digress....
I love you Barbecue!
And not that clear, vinegar sh*t
I hope I never have to choose
between you and being fit.
The End
But a life without bbq sauce is just not one I'm willing to live in. I try to make modifications sometimes. These are some sauces use natural ingredients - no preservatives. Which means: No high-fructose corn syrup. But I admit it: If the healthier options aren't in the store, I'm going for the sugary stuff.
1. Bone Suckin' Sauce: A+!!! Yummy!!!! Perfect for pretty much anything. Not too tomato-y. Not too smokey. It comes in a mason jar and is available at stores like Whole Foods and Fresh Market. The company is a North Carolina owned company. Also, I think I went to the same high school as the owner. Reason #537 not to be a bitch in high school: I could have an endless supply of free bbq sauce by now. Curses.
www.bonesuckin.com
2. Walden Farms: I've only tried the Honey BBQ kind. Zero Carbs and Zero Calories = zero guilt. Its not my favorite ever, but it's still good. www.waldenfarms.com
3. Annie's Naturals: Haven't had this one in a long time. It's kind of pricey but the Smokey Maple is yum! www.anniesnaturals.com
And by the way, THIS post is what happens when there's nothing on TV and I don't have anything to read during dinner: I create poems about my food.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
H.T. and Dolores
Meet H.T. and Dolores:
H.T. is 88-years-old and his wife, Dolores, is. . . . a couple years younger. Dolores is a real Southern lady. Real ladies never tell their real age. Did I mention I just turned 33??
These two come to the gym every day. Ev-e-ry day. They walk. They lift weights. They get on the bike. H.T. often brings in poems that are humorous reminders for everyone to "eat right and keep it tight so you too can see the next days light". Dolores asks us all how we are doing and compliments our accomplishments (no matter how small) like only a grandma can.
While some of my fitness "heroes" are the models in the pages of Shape, H.T. and Dolores are a pair of real fitness heroes. They are what fitness is really all about: Helping you lead a long and active life.
Whenever I find myself without energy and tell myself "I can't today", I try to think of H.T. and Dolores. Odds are, they've either already worked out or are getting ready to work out.
Workouts don't always have to be about lifting the most (Hear that Trainer X???) or running the fastest or the longest. The most important thing is that you do it, a little bit every day so you can see quite a few "next days' lights"
P.S. I think I'm going to write Shape magazine and ask them to make Betty White a cover model. Just to remind their readers what it's really all about.
H.T. is 88-years-old and his wife, Dolores, is. . . . a couple years younger. Dolores is a real Southern lady. Real ladies never tell their real age. Did I mention I just turned 33??
These two come to the gym every day. Ev-e-ry day. They walk. They lift weights. They get on the bike. H.T. often brings in poems that are humorous reminders for everyone to "eat right and keep it tight so you too can see the next days light". Dolores asks us all how we are doing and compliments our accomplishments (no matter how small) like only a grandma can.
While some of my fitness "heroes" are the models in the pages of Shape, H.T. and Dolores are a pair of real fitness heroes. They are what fitness is really all about: Helping you lead a long and active life.
Whenever I find myself without energy and tell myself "I can't today", I try to think of H.T. and Dolores. Odds are, they've either already worked out or are getting ready to work out.
Workouts don't always have to be about lifting the most (Hear that Trainer X???) or running the fastest or the longest. The most important thing is that you do it, a little bit every day so you can see quite a few "next days' lights"
P.S. I think I'm going to write Shape magazine and ask them to make Betty White a cover model. Just to remind their readers what it's really all about.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
To thine own self be true!!
Week 8 Summary
Trainer: Name Withheld (known as Trainer X for this entry)
Week 8 turned out to be one of the most valuable lessons I've learned since I began this fitness journey. There is strength that is the opposite of weak, and there is strength that is the opposite of meek. Week 8 tested the latter.
Before meeting Trainer X, I was very excited. X has a great reputation with his other clients and I was kind of giddy at the idea of being trained by him.
After a quick introduction where X asked me my long term goals (skinny jeans, skinny jeans, skinny jeans) he placed some heavy barbells in my hands. Usually, the first 5 repetitions of any exercise are tolerable, 6-10 are hard, 10-12 make me want to cry, 12-15 make me want lay down and die. With X, repetition #2 was beyond painful. It was at this point, I got scared.
I pushed harder than I've ever pushed before and made it through 3 sets of THIRTY repetitions. My arms felt like they were going to fall off. I looked at the clock . . . . seven minutes into session. Twenty-three minutes left. Crap.
I like being pushed. That, after all, is why I'm seeing the trainers in the first place. BUT - there's a fine line between pushing someone to get them to work and pushing them to the point where someone could get hurt. For me, this was quickly turning into an experience where I could get hurt. Maybe something was getting lost in translation, but I had hoped my facial expressions and body language was enough to tell him, "Dude, I'm going to break in half!". Apparently not.
In my first session, I was the good soldier, and did every exercise that I was told to do. My arms were on fire, tears were streaming down my face, I was lifting more weight that I had ever done. I didn't think I could keep up the pace for three more sessions. I didn't question, I didn't speak up.
Session two, I completely chickened out. I couldn't do it. It was too emotionally exhausting. Here I thought I had made all of this progress, but in this situation, I felt back to square one. I felt like a loser, a failure. My body would not allow me to do all of the exercises X wanted me to do. The feeling of defeat was weighing heavy on me and I just couldn't bring myself to go to my session. And so, for the very first time. . . . I canceled.
On my day off I thought about what my problem was. I had PLENTY of trainers who had pushed me to the limit, why was this so different? The best answer I can give you is this: It just was. To be absolutely honest, I didn't really feel like my best interest/ fitness level was taken into consideration. If the week was going to get better, I needed to speak up. And here we have the problem!
The next day, I quickly had my chance to speak up. Ten minutes into the session and X wants me to do an exercise that requires me to step up on a platform using only one leg. Sounds do-able, right? I've done that exercise before with a few other trainers. HOWEVER, X wanted me to step up on a platform that was so high, my knee was in my armpit. After one try at it, I quickly realized that my knee was not going to hold up fourteen more times.
"I can't." I had raised my white flag. I hated saying it, but I knew Icouldn't SHOULDN'T do that exercise for three whole sets of 15. Not if I valued the cartilage in my knee.
"Yes you can! Go! Do it!" said X.
"No. I can't." Tears were streaming down my face. I WANT to be able to do everything that's thrown at me. I WANT to be this workout warrior with a body that could rival any Shape magazine fitness model. But, I can't ignore what my body tells me, and this time - it was telling me, "Nope. Don't even try it, girlfriend" (my body has obviously been watching too many episodes of Living Single)
I had to say "I can't" a few more times in that session and X told me that if I trained with him for SIX months, I'd be able to perform these seemingly impossible tasks with ease (Wait . . . were these sessions a hustle? Were they being made too hard on purpose? Was I getting hustled?)
I made it through the session but ONCE again. My mind was swimming. WWCHS (What Would Claire Huxtable Say?)?? She would probably sternly (NOT RUDELY!!!! I DO NOT ADVOCATE BEING RUDE TO ANYONE WHO IS PROVIDING YOU WITH A SERVICE. I WORKED IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY FOR TOO LONG TO EVEN CONCEIVE OF DOING THAT) tell X that he needed to change the workout for something more appropriate for her. I opened my mouth for something to come out . . . nothin'. Clearly I have a lot of work to do to combat my meekness. Wonder what sort of exercises I can do for that?
For me, X's style didn't work well with my physical fitness level or personality. I was reminded of a time when I lived in New York and went to this shi-shi salon that had pictures of celebrities lining the walls. I handed the man $1000 (not a typo) and he in turn . . . . gave me the crappiest hair-do I've ever had in my lifetime. Just because the celebrities were lining up to sit in his chair, doesn't mean that it was automatically the best thing for me. This experience was the same. Just because X had a ton of followers and fans, doesn't mean that he was automatically the best trainer for me. But in both situations, I wonder what would have happened if I had been more direct - if I had been more assertive (No sir, I do not want bangs as short as my pinky nail!). People aren't mind readers. BUT, I also don't want such a struggle to get what I want every time I go to the salon, gym, etc. Different strokes for Different folks.
I have to listen to what my body is telling me. I can't go by what's working for other people. Remember: If you don't speak up for yourself, who will?
Having an experience like this, really made me appreciate the trainers that meshed with my personality all the more . . . .same thing with hairstylists. Shout out to Teresa in LA! Haa-aaay! (No more Living Single reruns for me!)
Trainer: Name Withheld (known as Trainer X for this entry)
Week 8 turned out to be one of the most valuable lessons I've learned since I began this fitness journey. There is strength that is the opposite of weak, and there is strength that is the opposite of meek. Week 8 tested the latter.
Before meeting Trainer X, I was very excited. X has a great reputation with his other clients and I was kind of giddy at the idea of being trained by him.
After a quick introduction where X asked me my long term goals (skinny jeans, skinny jeans, skinny jeans) he placed some heavy barbells in my hands. Usually, the first 5 repetitions of any exercise are tolerable, 6-10 are hard, 10-12 make me want to cry, 12-15 make me want lay down and die. With X, repetition #2 was beyond painful. It was at this point, I got scared.
I pushed harder than I've ever pushed before and made it through 3 sets of THIRTY repetitions. My arms felt like they were going to fall off. I looked at the clock . . . . seven minutes into session. Twenty-three minutes left. Crap.
I like being pushed. That, after all, is why I'm seeing the trainers in the first place. BUT - there's a fine line between pushing someone to get them to work and pushing them to the point where someone could get hurt. For me, this was quickly turning into an experience where I could get hurt. Maybe something was getting lost in translation, but I had hoped my facial expressions and body language was enough to tell him, "Dude, I'm going to break in half!". Apparently not.
In my first session, I was the good soldier, and did every exercise that I was told to do. My arms were on fire, tears were streaming down my face, I was lifting more weight that I had ever done. I didn't think I could keep up the pace for three more sessions. I didn't question, I didn't speak up.
Session two, I completely chickened out. I couldn't do it. It was too emotionally exhausting. Here I thought I had made all of this progress, but in this situation, I felt back to square one. I felt like a loser, a failure. My body would not allow me to do all of the exercises X wanted me to do. The feeling of defeat was weighing heavy on me and I just couldn't bring myself to go to my session. And so, for the very first time. . . . I canceled.
On my day off I thought about what my problem was. I had PLENTY of trainers who had pushed me to the limit, why was this so different? The best answer I can give you is this: It just was. To be absolutely honest, I didn't really feel like my best interest/ fitness level was taken into consideration. If the week was going to get better, I needed to speak up. And here we have the problem!
I. Hate. Confrontation.
I totally chicken out. Now, I am perfectly capable of getting my point across through letters and emails. In fact, if you are ever on the receiving end of one of my "Strongly Worded Emails" . . . look out! It is like a letter version of a Claire Huxtable/ Julia Sugarbaker tongue lashing. In letters, I can say exactly what I want in a tone that would have the reader think that I am a force to be reckoned with. In person. . . . Not. so. much. But if I was going to get the most out of my next session, I needed to speak up.The next day, I quickly had my chance to speak up. Ten minutes into the session and X wants me to do an exercise that requires me to step up on a platform using only one leg. Sounds do-able, right? I've done that exercise before with a few other trainers. HOWEVER, X wanted me to step up on a platform that was so high, my knee was in my armpit. After one try at it, I quickly realized that my knee was not going to hold up fourteen more times.
"I can't." I had raised my white flag. I hated saying it, but I knew I
"Yes you can! Go! Do it!" said X.
"No. I can't." Tears were streaming down my face. I WANT to be able to do everything that's thrown at me. I WANT to be this workout warrior with a body that could rival any Shape magazine fitness model. But, I can't ignore what my body tells me, and this time - it was telling me, "Nope. Don't even try it, girlfriend" (my body has obviously been watching too many episodes of Living Single)
I had to say "I can't" a few more times in that session and X told me that if I trained with him for SIX months, I'd be able to perform these seemingly impossible tasks with ease (Wait . . . were these sessions a hustle? Were they being made too hard on purpose? Was I getting hustled?)
I made it through the session but ONCE again. My mind was swimming. WWCHS (What Would Claire Huxtable Say?)?? She would probably sternly (NOT RUDELY!!!! I DO NOT ADVOCATE BEING RUDE TO ANYONE WHO IS PROVIDING YOU WITH A SERVICE. I WORKED IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY FOR TOO LONG TO EVEN CONCEIVE OF DOING THAT) tell X that he needed to change the workout for something more appropriate for her. I opened my mouth for something to come out . . . nothin'. Clearly I have a lot of work to do to combat my meekness. Wonder what sort of exercises I can do for that?
For me, X's style didn't work well with my physical fitness level or personality. I was reminded of a time when I lived in New York and went to this shi-shi salon that had pictures of celebrities lining the walls. I handed the man $1000 (not a typo) and he in turn . . . . gave me the crappiest hair-do I've ever had in my lifetime. Just because the celebrities were lining up to sit in his chair, doesn't mean that it was automatically the best thing for me. This experience was the same. Just because X had a ton of followers and fans, doesn't mean that he was automatically the best trainer for me. But in both situations, I wonder what would have happened if I had been more direct - if I had been more assertive (No sir, I do not want bangs as short as my pinky nail!). People aren't mind readers. BUT, I also don't want such a struggle to get what I want every time I go to the salon, gym, etc. Different strokes for Different folks.
I have to listen to what my body is telling me. I can't go by what's working for other people. Remember: If you don't speak up for yourself, who will?
To thine own self be true -that Polonius guy from Hamlet.
I may not be up on my Shakespeare quotes,
but I am DEFINITELY up on my Clueless quotes.
If something doesn't feel right: ask if you can do something different. If it still doesn't feel right, remember "No" is not a dirty word.
Having an experience like this, really made me appreciate the trainers that meshed with my personality all the more . . . .same thing with hairstylists. Shout out to Teresa in LA! Haa-aaay! (No more Living Single reruns for me!)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
The Human Flag
Week 7 Trainer: John Chen
Location: North Ridge Rapid Fitness
Sessions: 4 (T/W/Th/F)
This is my trainer for week 7:
No, this is not a picture of him standing, holding a bar that I posted sideways. He is actually holding up his entire body up (despite my poor picture taking techniques, you can still see his feet aren't touching anything) in mid-air like a freaking HUMAN FLAG!!!! (And it's not Photoshop either! I can barely figure out how to POST pictures, let alone alter them) In person, it is very Matrix-y looking and is absolutely one of the coolest things I have ever seen.
Unlike my sessions with other trainers, I gave John some direction with what I wanted to accomplish in our sessions: I want to do exercises that will help me do the human flag. Just to kill the suspense right here and now I'll tell you . . . THIS POST DOES NOT END WITH ME ROCKING OUT THE HUMAN FLAG LIKE A NINJA!! Um, try leaning sideways and lifting ONE leg! Go ahead! I'll wait! . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hard, right? I'm not completely lacking in common sense. Although, anyone who knew me as a 24-year-old, may argue that point with complete validation. I am perfectly aware that a feat like that was not just improbable but IMPOSSIBLE in four days. BUT (I'm mighty fond of the caps today for some reason), I wanted to do exercises that one would do IF one wanted to learn how to do the human flag. Because it is ALLLLLL core! If your core is strong enough for that move, then you are a badass . . . . or Spiderman.
My first session with John started with an exercise involving a medicine ball and a wall. I quietly prayed to develop hand/ eye in a matter of seconds. But I'm sure we can all guess what happened. 3....2....1.... Oh, my nose!! Yup, first rep of the first set and I bonked myself in the nose with a 6 lb medicine ball. I may or may not have used this as an opportunity to: 1) Do a pretty solid impression of Marsha Brady 2) Get John to take it easy on me the rest of the session. Um yeah, he's former Navy, so somehow my rubber ball to the nose did not evoke much sympathy (or appreciation for my Marsha Brady impression).
Oh yeah, I should mention that in my first session he made me do 90 dead lifts!!!!!! NINETY!!! NOVENTA! QUATRE-VINGT NIX! NEUNZIG! I thought the "dead" in dead lifts was just for show. Nope. It's literally how you feel the next day.
John's ab workout should be put on video. I have NEVER seen an ab workout this hard in my life. One of the exercises he had me do, I could only do 5 and the burn was so intense I had to stop for a breather. I thought of the time when I read that (pre-shaved head, pre-K-Fed) Britney Spears did 500 sit-ups a day. 500 sit-ups seems like a walk in the park compared to 3 minutes of John's ab workout. As much as I complained though (it's kind of my thing if you haven't noticed), I'm going to try to do parts of his ab workout every day. I've wanted rock hard abs since I was 16. I've gotten close but something (*cough* Dunkin Donuts *cough* *cough*) usually makes it go back to its Jello-y state. I'm pretty sure if I do John's ab workout every day for the next four weeks, my abs are going to be very steel-like. In fact, I may just turn into one of those morons who goes around asking people to punch them in the stomach. And if you knew me at age 24 . . . . you might just want to.
Like I said, I did not magically learn how to do the human flag in four days. But I'll let Bruce Lee explain why I needed/wanted to focus on it:
Location: North Ridge Rapid Fitness
Sessions: 4 (T/W/Th/F)
This is my trainer for week 7:
No, this is not a picture of him standing, holding a bar that I posted sideways. He is actually holding up his entire body up (despite my poor picture taking techniques, you can still see his feet aren't touching anything) in mid-air like a freaking HUMAN FLAG!!!! (And it's not Photoshop either! I can barely figure out how to POST pictures, let alone alter them) In person, it is very Matrix-y looking and is absolutely one of the coolest things I have ever seen.
Unlike my sessions with other trainers, I gave John some direction with what I wanted to accomplish in our sessions: I want to do exercises that will help me do the human flag. Just to kill the suspense right here and now I'll tell you . . . THIS POST DOES NOT END WITH ME ROCKING OUT THE HUMAN FLAG LIKE A NINJA!! Um, try leaning sideways and lifting ONE leg! Go ahead! I'll wait! . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Hard, right? I'm not completely lacking in common sense. Although, anyone who knew me as a 24-year-old, may argue that point with complete validation. I am perfectly aware that a feat like that was not just improbable but IMPOSSIBLE in four days. BUT (I'm mighty fond of the caps today for some reason), I wanted to do exercises that one would do IF one wanted to learn how to do the human flag. Because it is ALLLLLL core! If your core is strong enough for that move, then you are a badass . . . . or Spiderman.
My first session with John started with an exercise involving a medicine ball and a wall. I quietly prayed to develop hand/ eye in a matter of seconds. But I'm sure we can all guess what happened. 3....2....1.... Oh, my nose!! Yup, first rep of the first set and I bonked myself in the nose with a 6 lb medicine ball. I may or may not have used this as an opportunity to: 1) Do a pretty solid impression of Marsha Brady 2) Get John to take it easy on me the rest of the session. Um yeah, he's former Navy, so somehow my rubber ball to the nose did not evoke much sympathy (or appreciation for my Marsha Brady impression).
Oh yeah, I should mention that in my first session he made me do 90 dead lifts!!!!!! NINETY!!! NOVENTA! QUATRE-VINGT NIX! NEUNZIG! I thought the "dead" in dead lifts was just for show. Nope. It's literally how you feel the next day.
John's ab workout should be put on video. I have NEVER seen an ab workout this hard in my life. One of the exercises he had me do, I could only do 5 and the burn was so intense I had to stop for a breather. I thought of the time when I read that (pre-shaved head, pre-K-Fed) Britney Spears did 500 sit-ups a day. 500 sit-ups seems like a walk in the park compared to 3 minutes of John's ab workout. As much as I complained though (it's kind of my thing if you haven't noticed), I'm going to try to do parts of his ab workout every day. I've wanted rock hard abs since I was 16. I've gotten close but something (*cough* Dunkin Donuts *cough* *cough*) usually makes it go back to its Jello-y state. I'm pretty sure if I do John's ab workout every day for the next four weeks, my abs are going to be very steel-like. In fact, I may just turn into one of those morons who goes around asking people to punch them in the stomach. And if you knew me at age 24 . . . . you might just want to.
Like I said, I did not magically learn how to do the human flag in four days. But I'll let Bruce Lee explain why I needed/wanted to focus on it:
A goal is not always meant to be reached, it often serves simply as something to aim at.
- Bruce Lee
Ask me about the human flag in a couple months. If I can do it, I think I've earned a salute.
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