a double shot of confidence with a positive energy chaser

Week 9 Trainer: Bryan Sullivan

Location: Rapid Fitness Glenwood

Sessions: 3 (W/TH/F)

   First thing's first: I'm behind in posting.  The events in this post actually took place August 25th - August 27th.  I really have no excuse for why I'm so behind but basically: I got cocky.  "I've done about 50 blog entries, I can do this in no time! I got this! King Kong ain't got nothin on me!!"  I thought that I was advanced enough in my writing to be able to whip up a clever entry in no time, so I put it off thinking I would just "whip it up" tomorrow.  If procrastination was a legitimate talent in the pageant circuit, I would definitely have a few crowns on my mantle by now. And before I knew it an entire week had passed.  Oops, my bad.

   The weekend after my experience with Trainer X (See: http://kz-getfitordietryin.blogspot.com/2010/08/to-thine-own-self-be-true.html), I rebelled.  I ate some of the foods that I had resisted for weeks. Psychologically, I believe that I was trying to swallow my feelings of disappointment and failure.  Failure doesn't taste that bad when eaten with Junior Mints, a doughnut and some pizza.  My confidence was on life support and I felt defeated.  I didn't really realize that my psyche had all the fragility of a Faberge egg until the weekend after I finished my training week with X.  I'm not saying it's all X's fault, but it was pretty much the straw that broke the camel's back I think. I'm still, after all,trying to recover from my personal life being turned upside down.  Add to this the fact that the day before my first session with Bryan, I battled the tredmill and lost like Rocky against Apollo Creed (in the first Rocky).  I thought by now I'd be able to run like the bad guy Terminator in Terminator 2.  Ummm. . . . negative. Not to say I haven't improved, but I'm not where I thought I'd be by now. I could feel myself being tempted to go to "the Dark Side" ( aka Dunkin Donuts) and reverting back to bad habits.  If ever there was a week that I needed a double shot of confidence with a positive energy chaser, this was it.  Enter Brian Sullivan.

   I first met Bryan when I started working at Rapid Fitness.  He was working at the front desk studying to become a personal trainer.  That was five months ago.  What were you doing five months ago? Me? I was stuffing my face with Oreos and Cheese-Its, watching "You're Not the Father!" episodes of Maury Povich (aka - every freaking episode), while dreaming about ways that I could change my life but not actually doing a thing about it aside from buying Mega Millions tickets.   Before we even started training, Bryan had already taught me something very important.  He studied hard and kept his eyes on the prize and in five months, he changed/ improved his life. He proved that it doesn't necessarily take years or decades  to change your life for the better.  All the time and energy spent wishing for change could have been spent actually pursuing change.  I could already be at my destination vs. at the starting line!


   I've never seen Bryan in a bad mood.  Even when he was working the overnight front desk shift (midnight - 5 am, I think) a few months ago, he always had a smile on his face and would ALWAYS make time for his own workout somewhere between late nights at work, his personal training course and sleep. In fact, he put himself through a workout regimen while attending this course that resulted in him dropping two pant sizes.  Overachiever much?  How far can a positive attitude take you? I don't have a freakin clue, but ask Bryan.
He'd know.

   It makes sense that Fate wanted me to train with Bryan this week.  Who better to train with when you're feeling like an underachiever than with an overachiever?

   Bryan texted me long before our first session and asked me about my fitness goals and what I wanted out of the sessions.  Thanks to my losing battle with the tredmill, I have added another goal onto my list aside from fitting back into my jeans and abs of steel -  I want to run a 5k in the next three months (You read it here folks! I really want to run a 5k without embarrassing myself).

  By the time I arrived for my first session, Bryan greeted me with a printed out worksheet that he created specifically for me to achieve my goals.  If you're wondering - Yes, I already lost them. One of these days, I'm going to shock everyone with my organization and preparedness. One day this grasshopper will be an ant!  Buuut. . . . not today.   He broke my 3 sessions down to work the following: Day 1 - Stabilization/ Endurance. Day 2 - Strength/ Endurance.  Day 3: Power/ Maximum Strength.  Basically, a ton of core work and a ton of exercises that had me completely out of breath in about 10 seconds.

  We started small and worked our way up to powerful, complex moves.  Slowly, but surely I started getting my confidence back.  I didn't have to say "I can't" once.  In fact, guess who has two thumbs, worked with the medicine ball but didn't hit herself in the face once:  THIS GIRL! Guess who did 20 regular (not girlie) push-ups (a first): THIS GIRL.  Guess who did . . . eh you get the idea.  If Confidence down = Output down then Confidence up = ______?

  In Bryan I see the attitude that I should have not just for this fitness thing but in all aspects of my life.  I see that hard work DOES eventually pay off.  I see that if you care about something (like he cares about training) you put everything you have into it.  And I see that a positive attitude is perhaps the MOST important component to staying on track with this plan.

Every thought is a seed.  If you plant crab apples, don't count on harvesting Golden Delicious.  ~Bill Meyer

    I'm not where I thought I would be by now by a long shot.  BUT. . . I'm a lot further than I would've been if I had stayed watching Maury give paternity results and eating Cheese-its.  That's for sure.

 

 

H.T. and Dolores

Meet H.T. and Dolores:

   H.T. is 88-years-old and his wife, Dolores, is. . . . a couple years younger.  Dolores is a real Southern lady.  Real ladies never tell their real age. Did I mention I just turned 33??

  These two come to the gym every day.  Ev-e-ry day.  They walk. They lift weights. They get on the bike.  H.T. often brings in poems that are humorous reminders for everyone to "eat right and keep it tight so you too can see the next days light".  Dolores asks us all how we are doing and compliments our accomplishments (no matter how small) like only a grandma can.

   While some of my fitness "heroes" are the models in the pages of Shape, H.T. and Dolores are a pair of real fitness heroes.  They are what fitness is really all about: Helping you lead a long and active life.

   Whenever I find myself without energy and tell myself  "I can't today", I try to think of H.T. and Dolores.  Odds are, they've either already worked out or are getting ready to work out.

   Workouts don't always have to be about lifting the most (Hear that Trainer X???) or running the fastest or the longest.  The most important thing is that you do it, a little bit every day so you can see quite a few "next days' lights"


P.S.  I think I'm going to write Shape magazine and ask them to make Betty White a cover model.  Just to remind their readers what it's really all about.

  

To thine own self be true!!

Week 8 Summary
Trainer: Name Withheld (known as Trainer X for this entry)




  Week 8 turned out to be one of the most valuable lessons I've learned since I began this fitness journey. There is strength that is the opposite of weak, and there is strength that is the opposite of meek.  Week 8 tested the latter.

  Before meeting Trainer X, I was very excited.  X has a great reputation with his other clients and I was kind of giddy at the idea of being trained by him.

  After a quick introduction where X asked me my long term goals (skinny jeans, skinny jeans, skinny jeans) he placed some heavy barbells in my hands.  Usually, the first 5 repetitions of any exercise are tolerable, 6-10 are hard, 10-12 make me want to cry, 12-15 make me want lay down and die.  With X, repetition #2 was beyond painful.  It was at this point, I got scared.

  I pushed harder than I've ever pushed before and made it through 3 sets of THIRTY repetitions.  My arms felt like they were going to fall off.  I looked at the clock . . . .  seven minutes into session.  Twenty-three minutes left.  Crap.

  I like being pushed.  That, after all, is why I'm seeing the trainers in the first place.  BUT - there's a fine line between pushing someone to get them to work and pushing them to the point where someone could get hurt.  For me, this was quickly turning into an experience where I could get hurt.  Maybe something was getting lost in translation, but I had hoped my facial expressions and body language was enough to tell him, "Dude, I'm going to break in half!".  Apparently not.

  In my first session, I was the good soldier, and did every exercise that I was told to do.  My arms were on fire, tears were streaming down my face, I was lifting more weight that I had ever done.  I didn't think I could keep up the pace for three more sessions.    I didn't question, I didn't speak up.

  Session two, I completely chickened out.  I couldn't do it.  It was too emotionally exhausting.  Here I thought I had made all of this progress, but in this situation, I felt back to square one.  I felt like a loser, a failure.  My body would not allow me to do all of the exercises X wanted me to do.  The feeling of defeat was weighing heavy on me and I just couldn't bring myself to go to my session.  And so, for the very first time. . . . I canceled.

  On my day off I thought about what my problem was.  I had PLENTY of trainers who had pushed me to the limit, why was this so different? The best answer I can give you is this: It just was.  To be absolutely honest, I didn't really feel like my best interest/ fitness level was taken into consideration.  If the week was going to get better, I needed to speak up.  And here we have the problem!

I. Hate. Confrontation.

I totally chicken out.  Now, I am perfectly capable of getting my point across through letters and emails.  In fact, if you are ever on the receiving end of one of my "Strongly Worded Emails" . . .  look out!  It is like a letter version of a Claire Huxtable/ Julia Sugarbaker tongue lashing.  In letters, I can say exactly what I want in a tone that would have the reader think that I am a force to be reckoned with.  In person. . . . Not. so. much.  But if I was going to get the most out of my next session, I needed to speak up.

 The next day, I quickly had my chance to speak up.  Ten minutes into the session and X wants me to do an exercise that requires me to step up on a platform using only one leg.  Sounds do-able, right? I've done that exercise before with a few other trainers.  HOWEVER, X wanted me to step up on a platform that was so high, my knee was in my armpit.  After one try at it, I quickly realized that my knee was not going to hold up fourteen more times.

"I can't."  I had raised my white flag.  I hated saying it, but I knew I couldn't SHOULDN'T do that exercise for three whole sets of 15.  Not if I valued the cartilage in my knee.

"Yes you can! Go! Do it!" said X.

"No. I can't." Tears were streaming down my face. I WANT to be able to do everything that's thrown at me. I WANT to be this workout warrior with a body that could rival any Shape magazine fitness model. But, I can't ignore what my body tells me, and this time - it was telling me, "Nope.  Don't even try it, girlfriend" (my body has obviously  been watching too many episodes of Living Single)

I had to say "I can't" a few more times in that session and X told me that if I trained with him for SIX months, I'd be able to perform these seemingly impossible tasks with ease (Wait . . . were these sessions a hustle? Were they being made too hard on purpose? Was I getting hustled?)

I made it through the session but ONCE again.  My mind was swimming. WWCHS (What Would Claire Huxtable Say?)?? She would probably sternly (NOT RUDELY!!!! I DO NOT ADVOCATE BEING RUDE TO ANYONE WHO IS PROVIDING YOU WITH A SERVICE.  I WORKED IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY FOR TOO LONG TO EVEN CONCEIVE OF DOING THAT) tell X that he needed to change the workout for something more appropriate for her.  I opened my mouth for something to come out . . .  nothin'.  Clearly I have a lot of work to do to combat my meekness. Wonder what sort of exercises I can do for that?

  For me, X's style didn't work well with my physical fitness level or personality.   I was reminded of a time when I lived in New York and went to this shi-shi salon that had pictures of celebrities lining the walls.  I handed the man $1000 (not a typo) and he in turn . . . . gave me the crappiest hair-do I've ever had in my lifetime.  Just because the celebrities were lining up to sit in his chair, doesn't mean that it was automatically the best thing for me.  This experience was the same.  Just because X had a ton of followers and fans, doesn't mean that he was automatically the best trainer for me.  But in both situations, I wonder what would have happened if I had been more direct - if I had been more assertive (No sir, I do not want bangs as short as my pinky nail!).  People aren't mind readers.  BUT, I also don't want such a  struggle to get what I want every time I go to the salon, gym, etc.  Different strokes for Different folks.

I have to listen to what my body is telling me.  I can't go by what's working for other people.  Remember: If you don't speak up for yourself, who will?

To thine own self be true -that Polonius guy from Hamlet.

I may not be up on my Shakespeare quotes,

 but I am DEFINITELY up on my Clueless quotes. 

If something doesn't feel right: ask if you can do something different.  If it still doesn't feel right, remember "No" is not a dirty word.

Having an experience like this, really made me appreciate the trainers that meshed with my personality all the more . . . .same thing with hairstylists. Shout out to Teresa in LA! Haa-aaay! (No more Living Single reruns for me!)

33 ways to spoil yourself for $20 or less aka ME GIFTS

Fun fact about my mom's house: There is an plethora (who says you don't use SAT words in real life!) of magazines to assist in my procrastination from doing pretty much anything. The other day I found myself thumbing through an old issue of Shape magazine with Lauren Conrad on the cover. If you don't know who Lauren Conrad is:

                            1. Like, ohmigod! Like, where have you been for, like, the past 4 years?
                            2. She is famous for acting singing um. . . .
                                being herself on camera on the now defunct reality show, The Hills

Anyways, Miss Conrad said that the when she needs motivation to go to the gym she simply goes out and buys a brand new workout wardrobe.**  Now, if I had a spare $500 - who are we kidding, a pair of pants at lululemon (www.lululemon.com) costs $100, so a new wardrobe would be more like $1000 - a  month to spend on cute workout pants and tank tops, I'd probably be skipping my happy butt to the gym too.  But not because I had new (overpriced) outfits, but because I had a spare $1000!  Unfortunately, I do not receive paychecks from:  reality shows, movie cameos, BOOK DEALS (Don't get me started on that one. The envy and contempt might build up and cut off my circulation), endorsement deals or clothing lines.  Thus, going out and reenacting the shopping scene from Pretty Woman (but in the Nike Store) is tragically, freakin' impossible.

  Reading this article happened to coincide with me accidentally weighing myself earlier in the day.  Now I say "accidentally" because it was not planned and if I hadn't literally tripped (How coordinated are you first thing in the morning?) over the scale, I wouldn't have weighed myself for a few more weeks.  But the scale was right there, so I weighed myself and LO AND BEHOLD - I've lost 10 lbs. so far!!!!!! I got to thinking about ways that I can keep myself motivated/ treat myself for a job well done within MY budget (not L.C's) ~ which is about $20: a $20 "Me Gift".  So, since I have NO LIFE these days, I took it upon myself to go to a few stores (TJ Maxx, Ross, World Market, Pier 1 Imports, etc) and write down some ideas for ways you can treat yourself for $20 or less that can either motivate you to go to the gym or symbolize some small accomplishment you've made by going.

 Oh yeah, I didn't want to include anything food related because I'm trying to get away from the idea of using food as a reward or punishment.  That's what got me in this predicament in the first place.  I've been using food in the same way a cutter uses a sharp object for far too long.  So you can put food on your $20 "ME GIFT" list, but it's staying off of mine.  I've come too far to revert to bad habits. 

So here's a few ideas for some $20 "Me Gifts". Go out and spoil yourself!

1. New workout pants ~ $12.99 ~ TJ Maxx
2. 15 new music downloads from iTunes ~ $19.35 (assuming you get the $1.29 download. What happened to the .99 downloads? Aren't you rich enough Steve Jobs????)
3. 1 Year subscription to magazine (Shape, Cosmo, Men's Health, etc)  ~ approx. $15.00 (O Magazine is $18 - but she can do that because she's Oprah)
4. Yoga Mat ~ $10.99 ~ TJ Maxx (fun designs and colors!)
5. Used copy of Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill ~ $7.50 ~  Amazon (if you have not read this book, BUY IT!!! It's about have a richer, fuller life. . . . not bank account!!)
6. Used copy of The Biggest Loser Cookbook: More than 125 Healthy Recipes Adapted from NBC's Hit Show ~ $5.00 ~ Amazon
7. Movie ticket ~ $11.00 +$ .30 banana + $2.67 edamame (so you aren't tempted with movie snacks) = $13.97
8. Used workout dvd (Examples: Bollywood Dance Workout, Pussycat Dolls Workout, Luscious: the Bellydance Workout) ~ approx. $7.99 - Amazon
9. Manicure AND pedicure  ~$18 (Impossible you say? Nope. Take advantage of the penny saver that comes in the mail.  I found THREE coupons for local nail salons that gave 20% - 30% discounts on mani/pedis)
10. 1 huge candle ~ $15 ~ Pier 1 Imports 
11. Mr. Bubbles ~ $4.65 ~ Walmart
12. decorative vases ~ $14.95 ~ Pier 1 (Instead of flowers, write a motivating quote on a piece of paper, put the paper on a stick and "plant" in vase.  You have a motivating bouquet!)
13. Leather Journal ~ $12.19 ~ Walmart
14. Fresh cut flowers ~ $15.00 (put those by your bed! Really puts me in a good mood to wake up to fresh flowers) ~ Farmers Market
15. Gym/ Beach bag ~$14.50 ~ Old Navy
16. Flip Flops ~ $5.00 ~ Old Navy (new shower shoes after your hard workout!)
17. Sports bra ~$15.00 ~ Old Navy
18. Reusable, Steel H2O bottle ~ $5.00 ~ Old Navy
19. Pajama pants ~ $14.50 ~ Old Navy (If your day isn't made a little bit better by some cute pajama pants. . . tisk, tisk)
20. Super cute scarves for any season ~ $9.99 ~ World Market
21. Toss pillows ~$9.99 ~ World Market (congratulate yourself for snazzing up your body by snazzing up your house)
22. Picture frame ~ $5.00 ~ Ross (save the picture for when you achieve your goal!)
23. This one is exclusively for Ms. Liz Custer - - - - TEAM EDWARD STEEL WATER BOTTLE ~ $4.99 ~ Ross
24. Four 12oz mugs ~ $5.99 ~ Ross
25. Used camera ~ $19.00 ~ Amazon (Yes! USED CAMERA for under $20!!!)
26. Timex Sports Digital watch ~ $14.99 ~ Target (and it wasn't ugly, it was water resistant, and something else - - - I tuned out when the guy was talking)
27. Kiss My Face Cleansing Mask ~ $9.94 ~ CVS (Make a spa day at home! Also, I'm not advocating Kiss My Face brand.  It just happened to be the one I saw for $9.94 so don't get mad at me if you try it and don't like it)
28. Personalized cosmetic bag ~ $15.95 ~ http://www.personalizationmall.com/
29. Personalized golf ball set ~ $18.35 ~ http://www.personalizationmall.com/ (thought I forgot about the men-folk, didn't you?)
30. Relaxation cd ~ $10.18 ~ Target (+ Mr. Bubbles and that is a great night if you ask me)
31. Dry Erase Board for the fridge ~ $8.50 ~ Office Depot (write down your goals, your progress, the date that Glee comes back on TV!)
32. GEL BIKE SEAT ~ $11.99 ~ Target
33. Polka-dot terry towel wrap ~ $16.99 ~ Target (get ready in the locker room without having to worry about your towel falling and maybe/ possibly screaming in embarrassment)

Whew!!!! Ok, that's 33.  Since I just turned the big 3-3 last week, I feel that's a good number to stop on. 

Just a few ideas to show you that you don't need an entire new wardrobe to congratulate yourself on trying something new OR to motivate yourself to do it. 

Oh yeah, If anyone's wondering if I would "keep it real"  with $20 Me Gifts if/when I hit it rich, the answer is . . . .HELL TO THE NO SUCKAS!!! Right after I moved on up to the East Side to a deluxe apartment in the sky, I would hop on a private jet just to have lunch some country where only rich people seem to be allowed to go (Ibiza, St. Tropaz perhaps?).  And after a few months weeks days hours, when I had forgotten my old, simpleton life (where I had to - what's that word again?? Bu. . . Bu . .oh yeah! BUDGET) I'm sure I will think it normal to buy a brand new workout wardrobe every time I needed motivation to go to the gym . . . just like Lauren Conrad.



** Now of course, I can't find the issue with Lauren Conrad on the cover. It must have fallen behind something after I threw it across the room after having to read about her 3 book publishing deal.  But I think it was the January 2008 issue

I guess I earned my "over-dramatic" badge, but whatever

So the Cliff's Notes for my last post are as follows:

Act I: Relationship with boyfriend falls apart

Act II: Heroine (yours truly) & James Bond (world's BEST dog) move out of boyfriend's house and into her mother's house for the time being

Act III: Heroine still pursuing journey to become a stronger, healthier her she me (inside and out). . . or die tryin'.

   My first morning alone was strange.  Which is odd considering that I've lived by myself for the greater part of a decade.  But, it was eerily quiet.  Like, Right-before-Michael-Myers-pops-out-and-kills-the-dumb-bimbo-and-you-scream-and-spill-all-of-your-popcorn quiet. So quiet my own thoughts seemed to be a little bit too loud for me.

  All was going o.k. until I realized that my iPod battery was low and I needed to find my charger.  Normally, it would be on a table or in a drawer.  But because of the move, mine was in a box or a bag. It was a needle in a haystack.  And as I looked at all the boxes and bags in the hallway, I started to cry and got all Veruca Salt-ish:

                                             And if I don't get the things I am after
                                                     I'm going to scream!

 (I wasn't singing this out loud, but I was singing it in my head pretty awesomely AND on key, I must say). The missing charger was symbolic that everything was once again different.  The boxes and bags were symbols of the failure of a relationship.  I was overwhelmed with emotion and feelings of defeat.  Pardon me, perhaps you've seen my tail? Yeah it's me Eeyore.

   It was SO easy and tempting to dwell on what I didn't have and what I had lost.  But as I sat on the steps sobbing about my iPod. Yeah, I guess I earned my "over-dramatic" badge, but whatever! I suddenly burst out laughing.   I'm crying about a missing iPod charger?!?!?!? If I told this story to someone in a third world country, would they even know what an iPod was??? My cheeks got hot from embarrassment from my own self-pity.  I have a roof over my head, I have water to drink, and food to eat.  Tons of people would love to have to dig through boxes and bags of clothes and stuff to find an iPod charger.  Someone else can play hostess for this pity party, I need to run. Literally.  The voice inside of my head was telling me to get my butt on the tredmill and run.  And after thirty-THREEE (she said as she took a deep breath to keep from fainting.  How did I get this old???) years of ignoring the voice, I'm long overdue to start listening. So I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. And funny what you remember when you calm down. . . . FOUND THE CHARGER!

   Since I can't skip off to the gym for a morning workout, my mom's tredmill is going to be my new BFF. . . or enemy.  It's nothing fancy but it beats running outside.  Seriously NC, I don't know if I can handle this humidity much longer!

As I began to run, something strange happened.  I got this strange burst of energy on the tredmill. I ran longer and faster than I have in YEARS.  I realize you can't outrun your problems.  But for thirty minutes a day. . . . it's nice to try.  And it sounds cliche, but I felt better when I was done.  I mean my heart was about to leap out of my chest and my legs felt like Pb. Pb is Nerduguese for Lead. I studied the Periodic Table of elements for a whole freakin' month in 1993. I WILL use that information at any opportunity possible. So if you don't like it, you can just take some Kr or some Fe and stick it where the sun don't shine.  My eyes were red from tears coming out of them and sweat dripping in.  But I FELT better.  I couldn't help but think about something the great American philosopher, Elle Woods from Legally Blonde, said:

                             Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. 
                             Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.  


   I'm not saying running fixed my problems.  But it did make them a little bit more tolerable for a few hours. And for now. . . . I'll take it. 

Flowers bloom best when surrounded by a bunch of sh*t

   When I was living in LA, I took about four or five different acting classes. Its really a requirement if you live there, along with driving a hybrid and getting hair extensions (check and check).  There is no shame in my game in admitting that I was a HORRIBLE actor.  According to my teachers, I had a "wall" up and would not allow myself to be vulnerable in front of an audience.  Now, at the time, this information was received with a pretty huge eye roll and sigh on my part.  I mean, what sort of emotions are you supposed to express (besides contempt) during the acting exercise that requires you to repeat the phrase "red jacket" over and over and over AND OVER again?????** It was then that I determined that if I didn't like 1) acting classes 2) auditioning 3) filming 4) sitting through hair and make-up 5) watching myself on camera - - - - I probably didn't want to be an actor.

   But I have been thinking about the whole "allowing myself to be vulnerable" part the past few days.  With this blog, I'm trying to achieve healthier, stronger (emotionally and physically stronger) me.  It would be unfair of me to leave out some of the larger obstacles that I'm facing in my life.  It is with life's most difficult challenges that many of us turn to the comforts of Papa John, Mickey D, Mrs. Fields, Dr. Pepper, Ben, Jerry and the Almighty Cheese-it.  I would be leaving out a major part of my journey if I didn't share the all-too-real hardships in my life.  That's why I've had a problem with most celebrity endorsed meal plans over the years.  Well sure, if I had a couple million, a mansion, a hot husband, a book/movie deal, etc - dieting would be easy! It's hard to relate to people who seemingly have no other problems other than the fact that they need to drop some pounds.  So, I think it would be doing you a disservice if I didn't discuss some of the hurdles in my life.

   Deep breath. Here we go . . . 


   So, late last year I moved to NC from LA (West SIIIDE!!! that's how we say it on the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills) to be with my boyfriend.  The plan was to live together and eventually get married.  Well, it really wasn't all that long before I started to get the feeling that this wasn't right.  Without going into too much detail, he was hoping he could make me into the girl he wanted and probably vice versa.  When this old dog wasn't picking up that many new tricks (I think you officially reach "old dog" status around 30), we both started to resent each other. YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON! YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON! YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON!! (Do you get that I'm trying to say that you can't change people?) In hindsight, this should have been the point where I packed up my things and left BUT I had sold/ given away everything I had to move to Raleigh.  I thought if he was important enough to move across the country and sell everything for, I should stick it out and keep trying.  We tried MANY times to make it work and had some fun times but it wasn't meant to be.  Unfortunately for me and my bank account as I will more than likely have to seek out therapy in the future. . . .

                                             Therapist: How are you feeling Kai?
                                             Me:  Like crap! 
                                             Therapist: Sorry to hear that.  That will be $100


things got ugly.  Words like "useless", "lazy", "stupid", "ugly" were thrown out.  Shouting matches became a daily (then almost hourly) ritual.  I used to fight and argue back. But the last few months, I stopped. . . and the words were only met with sobs. If you have stock in Kleenex, you're welcome, because I've been using quite a lot lately.  I never imagined that I would be THAT girl.  I used to scream at the TV when Meredith Baxter, Jaclyn Smith or Tori Spelling were in bad relationships in Lifetime Original Movies. "Girl, You need to kick him to the curb (snap)!" was a frequent one-sided conversation I had with the TV.  I never thought how complex relationships can be when you're in the thick of it.  Everyone thinks they're the exception, not the rule. The rule being: if a relationship was dead on Wednesday, it ain't comin back to life on Thursday. . . or Friday. .  . or next Wednesday! You know that's right girlfriend  (snap)! I'm both victim and villain, as is he.

   Eventually, things crumbled to the point of no return and YESTERDAY (the day before my 33rd birthday), out of the blue (incidentally when I was on my way to the gym), he called me and told me to leave.  Lucky for me, I'm not homeless - I'm staying with my mom who lives 40 minutes away.  Now, things have been bad the ENTIRE time that I've been keeping this blog.  Have you sensed any walls up? If not - - - HAHAHA acting teachers! Take that! I'm not the worst actress ever!  But, things are going to change pretty drastically from here on out adding an extra added challenge to my training and eating plan.  From now on, morning training sessions are out of the question.  My commute to the closest Rapid Fitness is now about 30 minutes.  Instead, each morning I'll be getting on my mom's tredmill while I scream at Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the View.  My training sessions will now take place either right before or right after work.

   Everything is going to require more planning, but it's not impossible.  What I'm learning from this is that nothing is impossible.  You simply may have to find another way of attacking the situation.

   You know what's funny, I'm not filled with hate about the whole situation.  Every second I dwell on the past, I'm taking attention away from improving my future.

   I'm not really worthy of dispensing life advice but I have learned this since I started writing this blog: If you open yourself up to the people around you, you will be amazed at all the love you receive back.  I know it's tempting to "cocoon" and put walls up but it's a pretty amazing feeling to open up to people, to be vulnerable.  Acting teachers: 1 Kai: 0

   If you are having a hard time in your life, know this:  Flowers bloom best when they're surrounded by a bunch of shit anyways! HA! Can I trademark that phrase??? 


  So today, on my 33rd birthday, I'm taking the day off from the gym and enjoying a healthy dinner with my nana and my mom.  Tomorrow is a new beginning.  I'm scared, but with some careful planning, I will be ready.

 Keep laughing and keep smiling (that's a reminder to myself as much as it is to you),

kai





** The most fundamental exercise in Meisner training is called Repetition ^[2]. Two actors face each other and "repeat" their observations about one another back and forth. An example of such an exchange might be: "You're smiling." "I'm smiling." "You're smiling!" "Yes, I'm smiling." Actors are asked to observe and respond to others' behavior and the subtext therein. If they can "pick up the impulse" — or work spontaneously from how their partner's behavior affects them — their own behavior will arise directly from the stimulus of the other. (aaaaaand EYE ROLL!)