Call me Jackie Joyner

     For the next 21 days I'm on a "detox".  It's nothing drastic (I don't have to put asparagus in a blender or anything), just cutting out gluten, diary (milk and I have never been friends anyways), processed foods, and of course. . . anything white (FOOD people!! white FOOD).

     Dr. Josh warned me that I should encourage the person I live with to convert to this food detox as well or else the food battle at home would be considerably more difficult.  Nah. . . .I got this (there may or may not have been some snapping with attitude involved as well). This is my journey. We didn't need to diet together.  I could sooner imagine us as one of those couples that wear matching t-shirts, shorts and fanny packs while playing shuffle board on a Carnival Cruiseline trip. Plus, I know how much my boyfriend loves doughnuts.  To take them away from him would just be . . . . let's put it like this: I'd rather pry a steak away from a hungry lion. Sidenote:  He's skinny! He can eat anything he wants and not gain a pound. Mother Nature has an "interesting" sense of humor, right? Insert eye roll.

   Anyways, I have been eating my fruits, veggies and chicken for two whole days and dutifully ignoring the pizza, ice cream, candy, soft pretzels. . . . Wait, where was I going with this? (she said as she wiped the saliva from her chin).  Oh yeah, I was resisting and doing AWESOME with it.  I didn't feel tempted or anything.  Maybe it's because of all the people on "Team Kai" rooting me on, but I didn't feel tempted.  That is, until the macaroni salad incident.  One of my favorite things since 2nd grade, my boyfriend brought some home as a late night snack.  I caught myself staring at him as he took a bite and tried to look away, but it was too late . . . I was busted.  Ever the sweetheart, he held out his fork with a big giant bite and offered some to me.  I felt like a junkie being offered drugs - Just one hit bite won't hurt. I can stop after that one hit bite.  I clamped my lips shut like a child resisting taking medicine and shook my head no.  I can't! Must. Resist.  I shut my eyes to block out the visual of the yummy goodness in front of me.  A tad over-dramatic but whatever.  . . Point is, I did not partake!!!! Call me Jackie Joyner b/c I just cleared a HUGE hurdle.


   I also answered one of the major questions that has plagued me since embarking on this journey: Can I still do this (and succeed) if all the foods that tempt me are still in the house?? The answer is YES.  And part of it has to do with the fact I have you to come to and report all of my woes, failures and successes. When I want nachos so bad I can't see straight, I'm going to run and tell you.  When I have that dream (again) where Oreos and potato chips are doing the opening dance sequence from West Side Story. There's a lot of snapping and clapping and all sorts of shenanigans going on . . . but I digress. But I'm going to confide in you.  I'm debating on keeping a food journal for you to see too.  But probably not.  That probably goes under that category of  TMI, plus, like I've said: What I need every day is different that what you'll need. Plus, I can't STAND blogs like one the chick on E! News, Giuliana Something, has. She posts what she eats (or rather doesn't) on a daily basis.  This chick eats next to nothing a day and her food journal blog is somehow promoted as "healthy living".  Not gonna hold back when I say that she, and people like her, are partially to blame for the next generation of anorexics. I'm serious. Wow, the view from this soapbox is making me dizzy.  I'm going to get down now.  Anywho . . . I don't think telling you about what exactly I'm eating really matters. Its that I'm keeping it healthy is what's really important and will hopefully encourage you to join me on eating as healthy as you can too.

Jane!! Get Me Off This Crazy Thing!

Place: Glenwood Avenue Rapid Fitness
Day: 2 days ago (sorry, I'm behind)
Time: Freakin early (for me) - around 8:30 am

While Brian, Head of PT,  and Dr. Josh are going to do their part to get me to my goal, I have to do my part too.  Which means, I have to work out, unsupervised, on the days that I'm not with a trainer (yikes!).  When I was in great shape, this was something so easy I didn't even think about it.  But now, I am LITERALLY chanting high school cheers to myself to get motivated to get out of my bed, then the door, then the car.  G. . . G-O. . . LET'S GO!!! So hard to leave my comfy bed!  James Bond, my dog, is confused as to why there's so much commotion at this hour.

I was ALWAYS active growing up.  In high school and a bit of college I was really into cheerleading (don't know how it is where you're from, but where I'm from, it was HARD) and for most of my 20s, going to the gym was a 2 hour, rigorous ordeal.  Now, just the idea of doing 30 minutes is giving me butterflies.

I love, love, love the cardio set up at this gym.  They have these LONG rows of tredmills, stairclimbers, elliptical, etc.  There are enough to where you don't have to run next to someone (unless you want to) and hear them sing to Olivia Newton John at the top of their lungs (you know who you are, Sir). Personal space is not an issue.

I try to delay the inevitable running by stretching. . . stretching. . . and more stretching.  Finally, with no more muscles to stretch I press "Start".  I have begun.  First 3 minutes I warmed up by walking and listening to some good old Britney (I admit it).  I have these songs programmed in my iPod that are specifically for the tredmill (Last time used: August 2008).  It's full of high energy mixes that aren't your standard radio play songs. Outside of the gym they would probably be obnoxious to listen to, but for one reason or another, they get me going.  For the next 30 minutes, they are my lifeline to staying on this contraption.

First test: Running at a 6.0.  In the old days, this would have been a trot for me, but after only two or three minutes I can feel the sweat running down my face. The battle is on. I alternate running and walking for the next 27 minutes.  My goal was to do 5 minutes running with 2 minute walking, but it didn't exactly work out that way.  It was more like 3 minutes running with 6 minutes walking but . . . . at least I didn't give up.  And I wanted to.  Holy cow did I want to.  Another cheer entered my head: BE AGGRESSIVE! BE-BE
AGGRESSIVE! B-E-A-GG-RE-SS-I-V-E!!!!

Its hard not to think back to a time when you were more fit and running seemed effortless. In case anyone was wondering, pride doesn't taste that great and should be followed by a breath mint.  But I did finish. In fact, I even sprinted for about 45 seconds!!! I couldn't help but have a George Jetson moment during my final 45 seconds on the tredmill - "Jane!!! Get me off this crazy thing!!". But I'll take my victories where I can get them.  And sprinting for 45 seconds is more sprinting than I've done in a LONG time! I shall toast my victory with a glass of champagne . . .bottle of beer. . .big gulp of water! yeay (insert sarcasm)

After my battle with the tredmill, I see the Head of PT, Brian, coming towards me to give me a High 5.  Can't.  Lift.  Arms. "WHAT'S UP?!?!? Great job over there!" I want to respond, but I am still desperate for air, so I only managed a thumbs-up.  "I have such an exciting plan for you! I've been telling people about your plan to get back into shape and a lot of the trainers want to help so . . . . you're going to be training with A LOT of them!"

WHACHU TALKIN BOUT BRIAN?!?!?!?!?!?! (RIP Gary Coleman)

"Yeah, each week you're going to be challenged by a new trainer! You are going to get the ULTIMATE Rapid experience. We're really going to push your body to the limit!" So there it is.  Team Kai just got a lot bigger.

The only thing I can think to say is this: If you're looking for a company to invest in . . . i recommend Tiger Balm.  Because I am about to make their stock go sky high.

What Rhymes with "Fad"?

   First and Foremost I have to comment on my small victory this morning: I MADE my own breakfast.  I'll let those words marinate with you for a moment. I MADE breakfast.  I've spent the past decade in NYC and LA. "Getting breakfast" meant opening a menu and having something, ANYTHING (scrambled eggs, light bulbs, toilet paper and a pint of ice cream at 4:17am?? Sure, why not?), delivered at any hour of the day. So basically my culinary skills include: making toast, grilling if it involves a George Foreman, and pressing the numbers on the microwave. I am the anti-Martha Stewart.  Anyway, this morning I made scrambled eggs! Yeah, I realize most 10-year-olds can do this, but everyone has to start somewhere right?? Woo-hoo!! Go me!

Down to business:
   Yesterday I feel I glossed over something that was definitely an "A-Ha! moment" (Oprah-ist for life!) for me and hopefully will be for someone else out there.  My body composition report from Dr. Josh listed my Basal Metabolic Rate or BMR if you want to get fancy (what I burn in a day when I'm doing literally nothing) and my Daily Energy Expenditure, DEE (what I burn when I'm add physical activity to my day).  These numbers for me are: 1463 (BMR) and 1902 (DEE). That means when I'm doing absolutely nothing I burn 1463.  So if I go BELOW that number, my body goes into starvation mode!  Conversely, if I go ABOVE 1902, I'm overfeeding myself.  Dr. Josh says my daily calorie intake should be somewhere in between those two numbers to achieve maximum, long term results.  Now, normally information like this wouldn't stick because there were about three science-y words and like I said.  . . I don't do science.  But this information stuck and I'll tell you why.

 As Dr. Josh was explaining this to me, I thought of all the magazines I'd purchased over the years with celebrities disclosing their "diet secrets".  Just YESTERDAY I bought some magazine with one of those girls from the show, The Hills, talking about how she only eats 900-1000 calories a day. That may work for her (read: she may be cool with starving herself), but that's about 500 calories less than what I NEED per day!!! DING-DING-DING!!!! I just learned something. The calories that people need per day can't be generalized.  Mine were pretty specific and probably different than the number of calories YOU need per day, which is going to be different than the number your cousin or your mom needs per day, and so on. I thought back to ALLLLLL the books and ALLLLLL the magazines I've purchased over the years and tried to add up all the money I've spent on pieces of literature that have given me inaccurate information and therefore doing more harm than good if I followed their suggestions. 

Lets do the math here: 10 years of buying magazines ($3.00 on average), if I bought 1 per month (sometimes more, sometimes less) +  probably 5 diet books (average $20.00 each) over the years = $460!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Incidentally $460 can get you:
- a suite for a one week cruise to the Bahamas 
- not one but TWO Diane von Furstenberg dresses
- 7 pairs of jeans from the GAP
- 18.4 pedicures (almost a years worth) at the place down the street from my house where they give you champagne while you get your feet rubbed.
- a car payment or two
- over a dozen sessions with a personal trainer

Aight (that is slang for "all right" - or so the cool kids tell me), everyone say it with me now . . . DOH!!!

So I guess what I learned, that I'm going to pass on is: Don't believe the hype!! What does "Fad Diet" rhyme with????? BAD DIET!!! Whatever works for Fergie, Beyonce, the cast of the Hills, Kim Kardashian,Valarie Burtonelli ,etc. may not work for you.  I get it now.  Sooooooo glad I went to Dr. Josh.  I feel like I'm finally going to do something that works. And so irritated at the InTouch Weekly sitting on the table.

DOWN WITH WHITEY!!!!!

     After a quick visit to the Glenwood Avenue location for some complimentary x-rays (just to make sure everything is a-OK with the back and hips) it's back to visit Dr. Josh for the results of my body composition analysis. It's hard to explain the results because there are all these science-y words on my analysis report (Phase Angle, Basal Metabolic Rate, Intra-cellular Water, etc) and science has never been my thing.  But basically the most important parts of the worksheet (to me anyways) were the parts that showed EXACTLY how much water I need per day (Not just what a female in her *cough* 30s needs, but how much I need specifically); how many calories I burn at rest and how many I burn when I'm active; the total amount of water in my body (33.4 Liters FYI); my BMI (body mass index) and facts like that.

Dr. Josh is like that cool teacher you had growing up who explained boring material in a fun and understandable way.  He walks me through my composition report, patiently answering all of my questions and didn't get frustrated at my requests to explain things 2 or 3 (or 7) times.  Here's the basic points of what he said:

1) Drink 1/2 my weight (in ounces) in water.  Meaning if you weighed 100 lbs (I don't even REMEMBER weighing 100 lbs. but just stay with me) you need to drink 50oz of water a day.
2) Avoid white anything. white foods = bad.  Down with Whitey!!! (Come on . . . you know that was funny.  Go ahead and laugh)
3) Eat foods that spoil quickly and eat 5-6 small meals per day

Dr. Josh asked me to create a grocery list and even offered to look over it the next day to make sure I was getting all the right foods.  I take a gander at the "good foods" handout he gave me (was paper always this heavy??? My body is STILL sore!). I have to say, I got a little choked up knowing I was going to have to break-up with Cheese-its. But aside from Cheese-its being absent, the list does have a lot of foods that I had almost forgotten that I liked. This might not be soooo terrible.  I swear if Dr. Josh was anywhere else besides the gym, I'd probably check in with him once a year or less.  But since he's right here at Rapid Fitness anyways, we decide that I will check in with him once a week to see how things are going, plan my grocery list, and to weigh in (NOOOOOOOO!!!). So glad he's so convenient.  I am PUMPED!!! Oh wow! I'm being optimistic?? Check outside folks, its gotta be a full moon tonight!

Pressing the Reset Button!

Lots to catch up on. I've been SO sore past few days, I convinced myself even my fingers hurt and I couldn't type!

After my training session with Brian, Everything hurt.  EV-E-RY-THING!!!!! I have not hurt like this in ages!! At the gas station, it hurt to lift the pump.  It hurt to start my car.  It hurt to steer.  It hurt to blink.  I am officially back in the gym and I've got the battle wounds to prove it

Next up . . . My (free) consultation with the on-site Health and Nutrition Director, Dr. Josh McMillon.  I was initially just thankful that this meeting involved sitting ONLY - no sweating required. Thank GOD!

His first question: What are my goals? I say "To be fit and toned" - It seemed like a safe, mature answer. 
"Fit and toned can mean a lot of things," he says. "Serena Williams is fit and toned and so is Courtney Cox, but the TYPE of toned is different." With all due respect to Serena, I don't want to look like I could crush garbage trucks with my thighs. She looks awesome and God bless her for promoting a healthy body as opposed to the emaciated look that a ton of Hollywood stars are rockin. But Serena's figure . . .  on ME??? ummm . . . no.

"Definitely more Courtney Cox," I nod.  It hurts to move my head. Still sore.

It was at this point that I made a candid confession.  I told Dr. Josh that lately I really haven't had the motivation to do much of anything: work out, write, have fun with my family and friends. Lately, everything is just. .  . blah. 

Here's the thing blogosphere: it is HARD to admit your shortcomings to strangers or acquaintances. I'm sure you know that.  It contradicts everything we've been taught since childhood! Put your best foot forward, First impressions are everything, and so on. Those lessons make it pretty hard to tell someone you barely know "Um. . . yeah. . . . so I'm a slacker. Nice to meet ya!"  But, if he's going to help me, then I have to help him help me (Sorry, I watched Jerry McGuire earlier this week.  At least I didn't work in 'You complete me' to this post).

I start to confess all of my nutritional sins.  All of the late night snacking, the 3+ meals at restaurants per week and my long term love affair with Cheese-Its.  Ooooh Cheese-Its . . . You Complete Me (Doh!)

After my confessions, Dr. Josh summed up what I had been feeling for months: That I was on a serious downward spiral. 
                                                        The bad foods
                                                         Lead to bad moods
                                                        Which leads to a lazy butt
                                                        And a big fat GUT!
                                                                                     ~ A KZ Original Poem

He suggested that I needed to "press the reset button" on my diet. We needed drastic measures to get me out of this funk.  This was exactly what I was looking for. (Sidenote: Sorry, Mrs. Bowman, High School AP English teacher - I know I'm not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition).  "GO BIG OR GO HOME!" Dr. Josh cheered in reference to my efforts.  I wonder if his positive energy is available in pill form?

Before he could suggest specifically what I need to do, diet-wise, he took a body composition analysis by sticking some electrodes on my body.  The looked like little white stickers but the felt like a million watts of electricity running through my veins!!!!!!!! HA HA - - - just kidding. Gotcha.!!! Actually, I didn't feel it at all.  Results available within 24 hours.  In the meantime, he suggests that I take advantage of the free x-rays available through the Rapid Fitness at Glenwood just so he can see what's going on with my bones since I'm going to be working out vigorously.  I leave his office and slowly walk towards the door.  Quads hurt. Abs hurt. Wonder if his services include piggyback rides to my car?

Part of me wonders if I should partake in a "Last Supper" and say good-bye to pizza or fries or something.  Luckily the other part of me shouted "HELL NO!!!! NOT AFTER THE WORKOUT WE JUST DID!!"  And there it was - - - My very first hurdle.  And I conquered it. 

Happy Fitness Assessment Day!

So Brian, the head of Personal Training at Rapid Fitness, suggested that I start how every new member at the gym starts out: with a free fitness assessment by a personal trainer and a free consult with the onsite Health & Nutrition Director, Dr. Josh McMillion. Me likey free things! Count me in!!

Even though I technically work at the gym, I've never been clear on what exactly a fitness assessment entails. "Are we, like, only going to be chatting or am I actually going to have to, like, sweat?"  is what I want to ask, but I fear it might be a tad too Hilary Banks-ish for the occasion. 

Location: Glenwood Avenue Rapid Fitness  Time: 9am

Look again at that time folks. 9 a.m.  There are a few very important things you should know about me if you don't already.  1) My dog, James Bond, is not a pet - - he is my child. 2) I talk to my mother at least two times a day 3) Yours truly is not a morning person.  I don't have that many friends in LA that wake up before 11am and for the past five years 9 a.m. and I have been complete strangers. . So. . . long story long . . . 9 a.m. is a big deal for me.

Anywho . . . I walk into the massive building and immediately feel exactly how I did on my first day of high school: Like I was going to throw up or pass out.  Seriously, what was I thinking with this? Its been so long since I was on a tredmill, what if I throw up?? I KNOW these people!!!!! I can't just slip out anonymously,  they all know my name!! Just when I thought I could sprint out leaving only a trail of dust like Scooby Doo when he sees a zombie, I heard my name -  "KAI!!!!!" says Brian with a big smile, "ready to get started? I think you're really gonna like this!"  I can't help but look at him and wonder if my cheeks will ever allow me to smile that big before noon. Probably not.

He takes me to his office (YES! SITTING!!! NO SWEATING. . . .yet) and we chat about my goals and a realistic timetable about when I can expect some results (basically, you folks are going to be reading this blog for a WHILE).  I have to remind myself that this isn't a diet. . . this is a lifestyle change. Making mature decisions sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

After taking my measurements and getting weighed (I'm not ready to know the number yet so I sure ain't ready to post it for the world to see yet) we headed over to the tredmill so he could get an idea of what my fitness level was.  5 min. speed walking on the highest incline.  Ea-zeeee! I used to run for over an hour on 6.7 speed! I got this walking thing. Ummmmm. . . . no.  Let's just say that at the 1:42 mark, I started sweating and panting.  This.  Is.  Bad.  I pass the time by cursing Ronald McDonald, Grimace, the Hamburgler and the Fry Guys.  Somehow. . . this is their fault. At the point that the tredmill was turned off, my hands went up like I was Jamaican track star, Usain Bolt, crossing the finish line.  DONE!!! I'm Finished!!!! People staring. Arms down.  Face red.

Brian: Ok - Push-ups
Kai: What? I thought (pant, pant, pant) we (gasp for breath) I (AIR!!) huh?
Brian: Let's go . . . Let's get you where you want to be!
Kai:

Aaaannnd . . . . . scene!

The next 40 minutes were a blur of squats, push-ups, sit-ups, complaining (me) and encouraging (Brian)

and then we were done. I lived! I survived! Happy Fitness Assessment Day to ME!!!

Preface

I am out of shape. there's no denying it. I am in the worst shape I've been in my entire life. I haven't worked out or eaten anything even remotely healthy (unless you count the apples in Marie Callender pies, the cheese in Wild Wings Cafe's Blue Cheese Dressing, or the chicken in my nuggets at Chik-fil-A) in ages. I wasn't exactly sure how I was going to go about explaining that simple fact to the blogosphere. I debated on opening with a story about how I ripped a hole in the crotch of my favorite jeans when I attempted to sit down in them the other day. But let's just cut to the chase: I have packed on the pounds BIG TIME since moving to Raleigh, NC a few months ago from Los Angeles. And here's the sad irony of it all: I work at a gym. Yup, I work at a gym and I haven't lifted one weight, attended one of their classes or stepped foot on one tredmill.

My plan upon moving to Raleigh was to work part-time so I could spend the majority of my time on two of my favorite things: Working out and writing. I had plans to write the next great New York Times Best Seller. A feat hard to pursue while working (and partying and playing) in L.A.  This plan had the best of intentions: work, write and stay healthy. Fast forward a few months and my plan is virtually non-existent. I have barely written a thing thanks to a healthy dose of anxiety and writer's block and I haven't taken advantage of anything my place of employment has to offer. The only thing I've really been committed to, as of late, is eating horribly (bad sign when the folks at Chik-fil-A know your name, your dog's name and your order without you even having to say a word) and being lazy! So embarassing

Maybe it was the death of my favorite pair of jeans, or perhaps that I was huffing and puffing after running up ONE (yes, ONE) flight of stairs chasing after my dog, James Bond, in a game of "Guess who's getting in the tub?" (Answer: Him. Not me. I do not generally fight cleanliness and hide when it's bath time). Either way, I was forced to finally admit to myself that I needed to make some serious lifestyle changes and fast. Plus, it would be nice to rock the pair of skinny jeans again. They have been sitting in the back of my closet for far too long. I sometimes think I hear them calling to me in the night: "Kai. . . . where are you . . . .we miss you!"

I decided to take back control of my life and part ways with my "muffin top" (guys ask your sisters/ girlfriends/ wives about the definition of that term) once and for all. But, I don't want to do it alone. Nope, I want to do this the right way. No more crash diets. No more cleanses involving cayenne pepper. As a female in her early th-th-th-th... (hmmm, let me try that again). As a female in her early th-th-th-THIRTIES, I have failed at enough diets to know I can't do this alone. Luckily for me, I don't have to look very far to ask for help. I just had to show up at work a few minutes early.

Determined and motivated, I walked into work the other day, walked right up to Brian, the head of Personal Training for all the Rapid Fitness Gyms and said, "I need help! Whatever workout plan you want to put me on . . . I'm in! Whatever you say to do. . . I'll do it! I'm the clay. . . you're the sculptor!"

You might think that I was a tad over-dramatic but I'm over it. I'm over feeling tired and cranky all day. I'm over doing the "jean dance" to scoot my pants over my thighs and butt. I'm over shutting my eyes when I get weighed at the doctor. And I'm DEFINITELY over staring enviously at people with fit, toned physiques. That used to be me and I want my body back.

Lucky for me, Brian was not scared off by my crazy rant. He smiled his big smile and said, "if you're serious, You're about to see a whole new you!"

I AM SERIOUS!!!! So serious in fact, that I'm going to blog about my journey towards a leaner, healthier, all-around more fabulous me. I want to prove to myself that I can do it.

I am officially going to GET FIT OR DIE TRYIN' !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Note: I mean that figuratively. My concerned mother seems to think you will all think I mean literally die)