Flowers bloom best when surrounded by a bunch of sh*t

   When I was living in LA, I took about four or five different acting classes. Its really a requirement if you live there, along with driving a hybrid and getting hair extensions (check and check).  There is no shame in my game in admitting that I was a HORRIBLE actor.  According to my teachers, I had a "wall" up and would not allow myself to be vulnerable in front of an audience.  Now, at the time, this information was received with a pretty huge eye roll and sigh on my part.  I mean, what sort of emotions are you supposed to express (besides contempt) during the acting exercise that requires you to repeat the phrase "red jacket" over and over and over AND OVER again?????** It was then that I determined that if I didn't like 1) acting classes 2) auditioning 3) filming 4) sitting through hair and make-up 5) watching myself on camera - - - - I probably didn't want to be an actor.

   But I have been thinking about the whole "allowing myself to be vulnerable" part the past few days.  With this blog, I'm trying to achieve healthier, stronger (emotionally and physically stronger) me.  It would be unfair of me to leave out some of the larger obstacles that I'm facing in my life.  It is with life's most difficult challenges that many of us turn to the comforts of Papa John, Mickey D, Mrs. Fields, Dr. Pepper, Ben, Jerry and the Almighty Cheese-it.  I would be leaving out a major part of my journey if I didn't share the all-too-real hardships in my life.  That's why I've had a problem with most celebrity endorsed meal plans over the years.  Well sure, if I had a couple million, a mansion, a hot husband, a book/movie deal, etc - dieting would be easy! It's hard to relate to people who seemingly have no other problems other than the fact that they need to drop some pounds.  So, I think it would be doing you a disservice if I didn't discuss some of the hurdles in my life.

   Deep breath. Here we go . . . 


   So, late last year I moved to NC from LA (West SIIIDE!!! that's how we say it on the mean streets of the Hollywood Hills) to be with my boyfriend.  The plan was to live together and eventually get married.  Well, it really wasn't all that long before I started to get the feeling that this wasn't right.  Without going into too much detail, he was hoping he could make me into the girl he wanted and probably vice versa.  When this old dog wasn't picking up that many new tricks (I think you officially reach "old dog" status around 30), we both started to resent each other. YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON! YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON! YOU CAN'T CHANGE A PERSON!! (Do you get that I'm trying to say that you can't change people?) In hindsight, this should have been the point where I packed up my things and left BUT I had sold/ given away everything I had to move to Raleigh.  I thought if he was important enough to move across the country and sell everything for, I should stick it out and keep trying.  We tried MANY times to make it work and had some fun times but it wasn't meant to be.  Unfortunately for me and my bank account as I will more than likely have to seek out therapy in the future. . . .

                                             Therapist: How are you feeling Kai?
                                             Me:  Like crap! 
                                             Therapist: Sorry to hear that.  That will be $100


things got ugly.  Words like "useless", "lazy", "stupid", "ugly" were thrown out.  Shouting matches became a daily (then almost hourly) ritual.  I used to fight and argue back. But the last few months, I stopped. . . and the words were only met with sobs. If you have stock in Kleenex, you're welcome, because I've been using quite a lot lately.  I never imagined that I would be THAT girl.  I used to scream at the TV when Meredith Baxter, Jaclyn Smith or Tori Spelling were in bad relationships in Lifetime Original Movies. "Girl, You need to kick him to the curb (snap)!" was a frequent one-sided conversation I had with the TV.  I never thought how complex relationships can be when you're in the thick of it.  Everyone thinks they're the exception, not the rule. The rule being: if a relationship was dead on Wednesday, it ain't comin back to life on Thursday. . . or Friday. .  . or next Wednesday! You know that's right girlfriend  (snap)! I'm both victim and villain, as is he.

   Eventually, things crumbled to the point of no return and YESTERDAY (the day before my 33rd birthday), out of the blue (incidentally when I was on my way to the gym), he called me and told me to leave.  Lucky for me, I'm not homeless - I'm staying with my mom who lives 40 minutes away.  Now, things have been bad the ENTIRE time that I've been keeping this blog.  Have you sensed any walls up? If not - - - HAHAHA acting teachers! Take that! I'm not the worst actress ever!  But, things are going to change pretty drastically from here on out adding an extra added challenge to my training and eating plan.  From now on, morning training sessions are out of the question.  My commute to the closest Rapid Fitness is now about 30 minutes.  Instead, each morning I'll be getting on my mom's tredmill while I scream at Elisabeth Hasselbeck on the View.  My training sessions will now take place either right before or right after work.

   Everything is going to require more planning, but it's not impossible.  What I'm learning from this is that nothing is impossible.  You simply may have to find another way of attacking the situation.

   You know what's funny, I'm not filled with hate about the whole situation.  Every second I dwell on the past, I'm taking attention away from improving my future.

   I'm not really worthy of dispensing life advice but I have learned this since I started writing this blog: If you open yourself up to the people around you, you will be amazed at all the love you receive back.  I know it's tempting to "cocoon" and put walls up but it's a pretty amazing feeling to open up to people, to be vulnerable.  Acting teachers: 1 Kai: 0

   If you are having a hard time in your life, know this:  Flowers bloom best when they're surrounded by a bunch of shit anyways! HA! Can I trademark that phrase??? 


  So today, on my 33rd birthday, I'm taking the day off from the gym and enjoying a healthy dinner with my nana and my mom.  Tomorrow is a new beginning.  I'm scared, but with some careful planning, I will be ready.

 Keep laughing and keep smiling (that's a reminder to myself as much as it is to you),

kai





** The most fundamental exercise in Meisner training is called Repetition ^[2]. Two actors face each other and "repeat" their observations about one another back and forth. An example of such an exchange might be: "You're smiling." "I'm smiling." "You're smiling!" "Yes, I'm smiling." Actors are asked to observe and respond to others' behavior and the subtext therein. If they can "pick up the impulse" — or work spontaneously from how their partner's behavior affects them — their own behavior will arise directly from the stimulus of the other. (aaaaaand EYE ROLL!)