. . . I'll bring the whine

Location: North Ridge Rapid Fitness
Trainer: Jenn W.
Week: 2

   As I mentioned previously, each week I'm going to be passed to a different trainer at Rapid Fitness to get the full Rapid Fitness experience. Last week (like I said, I know I'm behind and it's LeBron's fault), Jenn W. was up! First of all, she is one of the cutest human beings on the planet.  I don't think she could be any cuter if the Disney Imagineering Dept. created her themselves. 

   When she told me that she was going to be my week #2 trainer, I told her to bring the cheese, because I've got the whine (although clearly I've got plenty of "cheese" given that old joke).  Being only my second week back in the gym, I was  quite positive I wasn't going to be all G.I. Jane-like with a "Bring on the pain" attitude. Umm no. I'm still the girl who requests first-aid attention with a hangnail.  I am not a hard ass. As might as well fess up in the beginning.

   At the beginning of our first session she explained that her strategy was to incorporate plyometric moves (definition: exercises designed to produce fast, powerful movements) or as I like to call them - Satan's invention, along with weight training.  So basically, any hopes that this was going to be a relaxing session vanished.

   Now, I'm not sure if she planned it this way but it was as though Jenn read my mind as to all my stubborn "problem areas" and that's what we worked on the three days I trained with her.  Day one we hit the back.  More specifically, that area that tends to rise above your bra strap like Play-Doh when you squeeze it in your hand. We did back exercise after back exercise with flying, leaping and power squatting mixed in to completely exhaust me.  Hope you enjoyed your stay, Backfat! Good riddance!

   I can only describe Day two with two words: Insane Burpees. Now, you can find the definition of a regular old Burpee anywhere on the Internet.  Wikipedia describes a burpee as an exercise where you:   

                     1. Begin in standing position
                     2. Drop into squat position with hands on the floor in front of you
                     3. Kick your feet back into push-up position
                     4. Immediately return your feet to squat position
                     5. Leap up as high as you can from the squat position with your arms overhead

That's a simple 'ole regular burpee.  Now while I can't describe in detail what an Insane Burpee is (I would hope that Jenn seeks to trademark it), I can give you the recipe:
                   
                      Take regular burpee
                      Add 2 parts NFL training camp
                      1 part  ROTC Bootcamp
                      a dash of  "Girl, are you crazy?"

                    Blend and serve. 

  Seriously, this exercise worked every muscle in my entire body.  Arms, legs, abs . . . tear ducts.  Do you know how many I can do? 5.  Do you know how many I can do without crying? 3.  If every American did 5 Insane Burpees a day, I'm pretty sure our obesity problem would pretty much disappear.  A slight hyperbole? Sure. But not by much in my non-medical expert, science failer since 6th grade opinion.  As much as I curse them, I'm obsessed with them.  I do 5 a day now.  After 30 days of Insane Burpees, I may just cut the sleeves off of every shirt I own just to show off my "guns" (I didn't make it through that last sentence without laughing either. . . so don't feel bad).

  In addition to Insane Burpies, Jenn gave me a series of exercises that attacked yet another problem area:  The dreaded batwing (the saggy arm syndrome).  Now, I had kind of accepted batwings as my fate.  My parting gift from the Twenty-something club.  But thanks to Jenn's workout, I am on my way to being able to wave in a tank top without fear of slapping someone in the face. 

   Day 3 was the spare tire and the bootie.  I'm not going to lie, creating the spare tire was an absolute PLEASURE.  I was living a world where I had seconds, and sometimes thirds.  A world where the question wasn't IF I was going to have dessert, but WHICH dessert I was going to shove down my gullet.  A world where Cheetos can be a breakfast, lunch and dinner food.  Breaking the spare tire down is going to be swinging the pendulum in the other direction: it is the opposite of fun.  My abs were burning.  I spelled (See: Counting is so 2009) every word I could think of to distract myself from the burn.  I'm coming Elizabeth! Let the whining commence.  I am so not a trainer's dream client.  By my last set, I was visualizing a cookie cake on my knees, and I had to lift up to take a bite.  When did I turn into the cartoon character Cathy? Ack!

   Jenn, the strapless dress that was purchased in 2008 and has only been worn once to this day, thanks you sincerely.  Those trouble spots have kept it in the back of my closet with no glimpse of sunlight.  Perhaps, if I keep up with your exercises it will see daylight once again!!!