Location: Glenwood Ave. Rapid Fitness
Trainer: Bryan W.
Yeah, yeah. . . I'm 5 days behind with this post. Blame it on the rain (. . . that was fallin', fallin'! ) or something. So, Week 3 I was assigned to Bryan W. who trains from the Glenwood location. Woo-hoo! This location is closer to my house, which means 10 extra minutes of snoozing before 9am sessions!
On our first day of training, I find out that Bryan's wife gave birth FIVE days prior. There he was, a sleep deprived new dad and he was smiling and ready to go. I, on the other hand, could hear my pillows calling me from the gym and was ready to go back to bed. I tried my best to weasle out of working out.
KZ: "Oh wow. You know. . . we can do this another time if you want.
I'm sure you want to go home and be with the baby"
BW: "Nope. Let's get going!"
Drat. And so it began. . .
Bryan's training philosophy is to train 3x's a week: One day for lower body, one day for core, one day for upper body.
Day 1: Lower Body
TEN minutes into my session and I'm already whining.
KZ: "It BURNS! My legs are BURNING!"
BW: "Yup. That's the lactic acid building up in your muscles. That means it's working"
KZ: "I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!! I think I should stop!!"
Note: I'm not stupid enough to really get lactose and lactic confused. But friends, I would have done an-y-thing to stop the burn. Anything. One thing is absolutely clear: downhill skiing is nowhere in my future. Not that it is was really on the list of things I was dying to try, but remaining in a skiers squat for more than 5 seconds is my idea of punishment. Lindsey Vonn, you are a superhuman freak.
Next we moved on to wall sits. Friends, I have a longstanding relationship with wall sits. Once, when I was a little college cheerleader, we were doing wall sits for our conditioning and I sliced my elbow on a metal outlet cover and had to go get stitches and a shot and I was THRILLED because it meant I got out of the wall sits. There I was bleeding profusely and I was happy. THAT is how much I hate wall sits. I began to spell (See entry: Counting is so 2009) the name of every friend I have every had in my life: J-U-L-I-E, R-E-N-E-E, K-A-R-E-N, J-E-N-N, J-E-N-N-Y, -J-E-N-N-I-F-E-R (Wow, do I know a lot of Jenn's or what!). After a more names, I couldn't even speak. The burn was winning. After a few seconds of silence Bryan asked:
BW: Who's name are you spelling now?
KZ: G-O-D
If life was fair, one wall sit would be all it would take to get legs like Jennifer Aniston. But alas, it is not. But I did it! I didn't quit!! I cried and I whined (I may have even screamed), but I did not quit!
At the end of session 1, Bryan instructed me to do 20 minutes of cardio. But before I could take one step towards my beloved Precor 100i, he said that I need to do the Stairmaster to complete the lower body workout. Now, if you did not just think to yourself, "Oh! That poor girl! What has she done to deserve that?!?" then clearly you do not know what a StairMASTER is.
THIS is a Stairmaster:
I tried everything to get out of it.
KZ: "I'm scared of heights!"
BW: "It's about 2ft. high. Get on"
KZ: "I have vertigo."
BW: "What's that?"
**** Crickets ****
KZ: "I am morally and ethically opposed to anything with the word 'master' in it"
BW: "Get on."
I stopped for a break every 5 minutes. And I was on a low speed! But if a machine can make even your forearms sweat after 5 minutes, it must be working. And I have to admit, my buns felt a bit more steel-ish after I got off.
Day 2: Core
Act I.
BW: "Now you're gonna go in a Wonder Woman position and lift your arms and legs like you're flying"
KZ: "Technically, Wonder Woman didn't fly. She sat in an invisible jet. So, can I just practice sitting?"
BW: "No."
Act II.
KZ: "How many more do I have to do?"
BW: "Go until I say stop"
KZ: "But I need to know what to spell!"
BW: "Go for the alphabet"
Act III.
KZ: "You know, I totally understand if you want to stop and go home to your . . . "
BW: "No. Keep going"
KZ: ". . . baby"
KZ attempts fake tears for sympathy. It is not successful.
Day 3: Arms
KZ: "I can't lift anymore"
BW: "Yes, you can"
KZ: "I caaaaaannnnnnn'ttttt" (whining really is an artform if done correctly)
BW: "Just try it"
I did it !!!!! Success!!!! Screaming "King Kong ain't got nothin' on me!" is considered. Then reconsidered.
My arms feel like Gumby and I have BLISTERS. BLISTERS!!!! I haven't had blisters since my monkey bar days. I have my first official war wound from all of this. Guess it's time to get lifting gloves. You know the people in the gym who have lifting gloves. They are usually the badasses. Woo-hoo! I'm on my way to being a badass. Wonder if they have lifting gloves with Hello Kitty on them?
One of the great things about Bryan is that he is an educator and a nurturer. Maybe it's that dad instinct going into overdrive but every exercise came with a mini-lesson. I learned what muscle group I was working, why I was working it, and how it will help me in everyday activities. I wonder if he could show me some exercises to do in preparation for the semi-annual sale at Fred Segal. Just try to take those leggings out of my hand THIS time actress-who-shall-not-be-named, Just try! I'll get you my pretty! Muah-hahahahaha!
I have to say that Bryan gives a whole new meaning to the word dedication. Five days into fatherhood and he's back, giving me his full attention. If he can make it in, then I really don't have any excuse. I'm going to try to remember that every time I try to convince myself that a new episode of America's Next Top Model is reason enough to not go to the gym.
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